as always, I have been doing alot of thinking - I hate when my birthday rolls around. I always end up in a funk. I really dont have an issue with age....being 40 is fine with me, I feel its just a number, and the only thing that matters is how much you enjoy your life....no matter how long or short it is....

So why the funk? hmmmm well, I have been thinking alot about this....my birthday reminds me of the past...of family gatherings...of what is exected to happen....what should happen...who should be there and how one should behave...what should happen, what what what what, all others expectations not mine....

I dont have expectations or demands on my birthday....I have always spent it with my son since he was born, we have done simple goofy things just like we would any other day....the park, the zoo, a movie, movie rentals and video games .... truthfully no big deal. For me this day is a day of celebrating what you enjoy most about life.... This year he was away with his dad....I missed his distraction.

I think of when I was younger, we always ended up in NY at my aunt and uncles (now divorced and alienated from the rest of us) for my birthday....my grand parents (now deceased) my mom and I. I saw my cousins with their dad....and that was the only thing I wanted....mine to be there too....embarrasing to admit, I had no idea who he was till I was 16....I wasnt allowed to have friends...there were no kid parties....that wasnt allowed...all I ever wanted was to be normal....

in second grade, my teacher asked me to write my fathers name on a form....I just stared at her....I didnt know what she was talking about....she yelled at me, "the man who lives in your house, what is his name?!" I wrote G R A N D P A.....

My father was one of those great dads....he and my mom didnt/couldnt get along, but instead of them splitting up he booked...I never saw him, never saw pictures, never was told any stories, when I was old enough to ask questions they went unanswered as the subjects were changed....no cards, no visits, no hugs, nothing....

so here I am at the age of 40, missing the sense of family... (my mom now lives in FLA)....appreciating my dad for showing me i was not worthy of love, of fighting for, that I should be quiet, that I didnt need to know where I came from, that I was not privy to answers - you know they say that little girls marry their dad....mmmm I can attest to that...chose a guy who totally cared only about himself....but at least my dad gave me the gift of not passing this legacy on. My ex is my ex....not my sons ex. I encourage and support their relationship...and my sons relationship with his paternal family.

I still think about my dad....why? why do I care? why do at my age I still want answers? seek acceptance? love? and why do I allow this to make my birthday not a happy day? why do I allow him to have this power? I know I will never have a sense of any of these things, not from him any way....

Sad as this is he lives in the next town over from me, I have told my son that he does have another grandpa, and he is/was a police man (my son loves cops)...but I am not sure I really want any thing to do with him....but I still wonder.....why?

I worry that I will not be able to undo the lessons he has taught me? Will I ever have that 'happy birthday' where i am not down thinking about what I did wrong? why I wasnt worthy? Will I be able to maintain a healthy marriage/relationship in the future? or will I once again become the wall flower? of no importance?

see me next year